Sophia Network

Article: Singleness and self-pity by Ruth Perrin

I’ve been single for a long time... 

At first it was just a quiet patch in my somewhat tempestuous love life (and a bit of a relief to be honest).

Then it became a dry spell – interrupted by a couple of guy friends declaring their undying love (I tried falling in love with them; they were my friends after all. I just hurt them.)

Then it became a problem, where I was lonely, embarrassed and resentful of everyone else’s love life.

Now – it’s just life. I can see the pros and cons of relationships; of marriage and of being single.  For the most part I can say with Paul, ‘I have learnt to be content with whatever I have.’(Philippians 4:11)  But it’s been a journey – and I don’t suppose I’m at the end of it yet.  But one thing I have learnt.

Self-pity is not a good thing.

Many of us, when we are single live in a sort of temporary world, living like this “just for now, until I meet a man”. Snoozing like Sleeping Beauty or like Snow White – tolerating the dwarves until we get a better option. Thinking, “If only Prince Charming would come along I’d live happily ever after.”

Often we attribute all our struggles, insecurities, loneliness and pain to the fact that we are not in a relationship. “If I only had a man – everything would be ok!” The truth is that in the same way that the scarecrow in the Wizard of Oz cried, “If I only had a brain!” when he already had great intelligence, we need to face the reality of what we already have and that a guy will not fix it all; only God can do that.  Sure there would be someone to hang out with on bank holidays, someone to give us a cuddle after a bad day, someone to feel guilty when they forgot Valentine’s Day/ didn’t notice our hair cut/ left the toilet seat up; someone to be in love with. But a guy, no matter how great he is, will not fix all our struggles and insecurities; he is not the saviour of our world...that is Jesus!

We don’t say it often, but it’s a form of idolatry, ‘Mr Right as Saviour’. And it is really common but completely false.  I know we’ve all watched Patrick Swayze/ Matthew McConaughey/ Brad Pitt save the girl and make her life complete, over and over again. But that is no more real that Bruce Willis saving the world from an asteroid the size of Texas or a leather-clad Batman swooping in to solve the social ills of our city.  It’s a fantasy.

It is also deeply oppressive to men. 

Article: Single-minded by Jill Rowe

Staying single in the youth work world has often been thought of as the default option for those who haven’t yet met ‘the one’. Jill Rowe, however, suggests how a single life can mark a radical alternative in youth ministry and suggests ways in which single people can share in and contribute to communities in the way that Jesus intended.

‘We’re not the marrying sort!’

Prizes all round if you guessed the above quote was from My Fair Lady. Perhaps not the kind of movie that you usually discuss in youth work circles, but given the theme of this article I couldn’t help but mention one of Rex Harrison’s classic quotes. Perhaps it’s a sentiment that many of us who are single have considered; a few of us may have even said it of ourselves because we truly believe that being single is the life we are called to, while others want to announce very clearly that we are the marrying sort but haven’t had the chance to meet ‘the one’ yet!

The single life is littered with unintentionally amusing comments and quips, of course. A personal favourite is the inquisitive ‘How do you manage?’ as if being unmarried throws in to question your ability to do the weekly shop or climb the stairs. Another classic was the suggestion from a friend that by joining a house group I would be sure to find a partner straight away! That’s right, as well as ‘faith-filled’ lonely hearts columns, ‘Christian’ speed dating and spiritual singles balls, we should add ‘house group hook-ups’ as the brand new way of bringing people into the church!

Interview: Getting married in No Man's Land by John Buckeridge

Tired of putting up with fewer single men in the church than women? Diane Louise Jordan and Liz Speed joined up with other women to form a group to pray for men. They talk to John Buckeridge about their pro-active ‘Debs' group, and where they found their men.

JB: In most churches there are many more single Christian women than men. Does that make you angry? If so - who are you angry at? Men, the church, God?

LS: I'm angry and passionate about the situation. Inevitably this means some will miss out on marriage and all it brings. We talk about setting the captives free - well we could start right here. I strongly believe God has designed marriage and has put it at the core of our society. Right at the beginning He meant for us to be in marriage, family and relationship and we have really moved away from that; Humanism is taking centre stage, marriage is no longer at the core holding everything together. It's become a romantic notion from a bygone era. As a woman, I see most of the issue from a woman's point of view - but I am very aware that this issue is not a woman's issue, its not just about a few single women wanting to get married. This is a kingdom issue, a generational issue, a national issue, and a critical issue.