Article: Self-esteem and young people by Liz Etherton

‘Lack of self-esteem is the root of all the problems in the world.’ Oprah Winfrey

Hmmm, maybe........... but self-esteem is certainly a hotly debated and often misunderstood issue. Simply typing the phrase into any online search engine will produce hundreds of pages of definitions, articles and ‘change your life today’ type courses. But what is self-esteem, and is it something we should be concerned about as Christians in youth work?

There are many definitions of self esteem, but all seek to describe or quantify how an individual feels about themselves, how much they like, accept and respect themselves as people.  This personal judgement will affect how we grow and mature, relate to others and can ultimately shape how our life develops. It may also affect how we see, understand and meet God. Young people with healthy self-esteem tend to have positive self-confidence, show the ability to confront problems or challenges and make changes rather than reacting with fear, have the ability to take reasonable risk, trust others and look after themselves. Those with unhealthy self-esteem may feel themselves unworthy of being loved, struggle with taking risks, be fearful of conflict and challenge, be insecure, anxious or nervous, react with anger when life is challenging and are less likely to look after themselves – in some cases taking part in activities that cause themselves harm.

As Christian youth workers it is important that we understand issues of self-esteem as it can affect how our young people grow and develop, respond to and grow with God and participate in our youth work. It is particularly important that we delve behind the ‘pop culture’ definitions, explanations and response to the self-esteem issue – we need to have a healthy biblical understanding of self-esteem rather than a magazine-based set of tools to ‘solve the problem’.

For Christians, self-esteem is an intriguing subject. On the one hand we want people to be happy and healthy, to revel in who they are and to have a positive view of themselves. On the other hand we understand that we are fallen sinful people; designed for a relationship with God in order to be ‘complete’. We are created in God’s image, and yet spend much of our time going our own way, rather than coming close to our creator who is the only one who can truly give us the healthy self-esteem we crave. The Bible draws us close to this paradox – that we are ‘fearfully and wonderfully made’ Psalm 139:14, and yet deeply fallen humans who need God to make us whole Psalm 51:1-5.

As Christians we need to hold together these dimensions of true self esteem: how God sees us, how others see us, and as a result how we see ourselves.

Grasping how others see us is the most immediate of the three, and essentially the easiest to quantify. It is what we see, hear and understand from the world around us. This will either produce an accurate picture or a distorted image depending upon the honestly of the source. The people who influence us may praise and encourage, or criticise and drag us down – or simply say nothing – leaving us with the feeling that we are worth nothing.

It is not only people though; one of the greatest influencers is that of the media. It is believed that the average young person is exposed to over 1500 advertising images a day. Most of these have an underlying negative message about who they are: ‘buy this because you are not good looking enough, popular enough, cool enough’. Our young people are being assaulted daily by subtle (and not so subtle) criticism of their body image – is it any wonder their view of who they are is being undermined? It is tempting to assume that this is just an issue for girls, because the issues seem more obvious – however we have a generation of boys whose identity is being challenged in similar (if far more subtle) ways. This is evidenced by the rise in male eating disorders and body image issues; St Georges Hospital in London reported seeing more male than female anorexia referrals in 2008.

Enabling young people to understand how God sees them is one of the greatest gifts and most challenging responses to the self-esteem debate. Particularly as young people with unhealthy self-esteem who feel unlovable, may struggle to engage with some of the biblical truths that we feel hold the answers. The simple phrase ‘God loves you’, for those of us who believe it to be true, carries comfort, joy and a sense of belonging. However for a damaged young person ‘love’ may mean pain, abuse or abandonment. As youth workers do we need to find a new vocabulary of ‘love’ to reach those for whom the concept is too alien?

In many ways, understanding fully what God really thinks of us is the most challenging of the three strands. How others see us, and how we see ourselves is more tangible and immediate. Although it is easy to tell stories of God revealing his love to people around us, it is only really by leading our young people to engage fully with the Bible that we can begin to scratch the surface of how God really sees us.

As I’ve already mentioned, the starting point is that we are made by God – Psalm 139 is a song of joy as the writer celebrates his creation by God’s hand ‘body and soul I am marvellously made!’ Psalm 139:14.
But the Psalm also emphasises that God isn’t blind. He knows our every thought, word and deed; a fact that brings as much challenge as it does comfort! Paul in his letter to the Ephesians reminds us that we are not just created as a ‘things’, but with a purpose, and a destiny (Eph 2:10). The story of God’s relationship with us is so much more than individual verses though – the whole of scripture sings with God’s desire, plan and deep, deep love for us. I wonder whether this depth of understanding the ‘big picture’ of God’s story is as lost to our young people as advertising is powerful?

“Do you feel a need for affirmation? Does your self-esteem need attention? You do not need to drop names or show off. You need only pause at the base of the cross and be reminded of this: the maker of the stars would rather die for you that live without you. And that is a fact” Max Lucardo

I’m not being as naive as to suggest that the loss of a deep understanding of the big picture of God’s unceasing pursuit of his children is the cause – or indeed the solution to unhealthy self-esteem; but perhaps we have lost one of the weapons in the fight by settling for ‘verse picking’ style of discipleship rather than a more all encompassing style of ‘scripture soaking’?

So what can we do – and why should we care?
If God has trusted us with the lives of young people, in some senses we have no choice – it comes as part of the package! If we want to see young people grow, flourish and reach their potential in life, as individuals and with God, we have a responsibility to care about this issue. We have seen the effects of healthy and unhealthy self-esteem. As youth workers we play a significant part in the process of young people developing and exploring their identity as they grow up. This is both an amazing privilege and a terrifying responsibility! We cannot ‘give’ our young people healthy self-esteem, but as youth workers committed to engaging and equipping young people we must be aware of the impact that we have in our programmes, activities and relationships. Two issues that deserve particular consideration are the culture we create in our youth work, and providing an environment where young people can take risks. The culture, activities and relationships we create will have an effect on how the young people see themselves. It is important that we consider the issue of self-esteem as we plan, so that we can be intentional in supporting the development of healthy self-esteem, and spot anything that could undermine or harm.

It is important to create a culture where young people feel valued, and are encouraged to think and speak positively about each other and themselves. Clear boundaries about what is acceptable are very important. We can make positive affirmation a distinct part of how we treat our young people, always being careful to avoid favouritism and challenge negative behaviour and ‘in jokes’ about specific people. It is important to consider how we treat each other as leaders too, as the culture we create among ourselves will flavour the culture and expectation of the work as a whole.

To grow in self-confidence young people need to be able to challenge themselves, accept responsibility, understand the influence they have on others and deal with both success and failure in their lives. These are all issues that can be addressed in youth work with careful planning of activities. Young people can be given real responsibility in groups. With the right level of support, guidance and encouragement young people can learn and grow as they reflect on both success and failure in a supportive environment. It is possible to create opportunities for young people to perceive they are at risk and develop skills to deal with risk, while actually in a very safe environment. For example halfway up a climbing wall or wire walk feels ‘risky, dangerous and downright frightening’ even though we know we are safe, because we are wearing a safety harness and are with a trained instructor. Success in a situation where risk has been perceived brings positive feelings of achievement and hence builds self-esteem. I’d emphasise strongly that this is perceived risk though – never seek to put your young people in danger!

Self-esteem is an issue that we need to be aware of as it can affect the way our young people develop, grow and engage with God. As youth workers it is vital that we have a full and biblical understanding of who we really are, and how we are affected by the people around us, life and our engagement with God. This understanding will influence and shape how we deal with the outworking of healthy and unhealthy self-esteem in the young people we are privileged to build relationships with. Living out a truly ‘big picture’ biblical understanding of who we are and how God dwells in out lives is the most powerful, exciting and humbling gift we can offer our young people. We may not be able to ‘solve’ the problem – but we are most certainly part of the story.

Liz Etherton is a Senior Manager in the Local Ministries Department at Youth for Christ - a lover of God, good coffee and organic chocolate, she describes herself as an 'ordinary woman living an extraordinary life that reads "God is here". She is the author of Self-esteem and young people, a Grove booklet.

Comments

[Dannijella Dragas]

Wonderful and refreshing article. Young woman and men grow up with self esteem problems can manifest itself into so many larger problems that can impact their marriages, families, work and careers.

I am hoping that families can bring up their children to always feel loved UNCONDITIONALLY and that the only person that can but them down is themselves.

GOD LOVES US ALL THE SAME -

DANNIJELLA DRAGAS